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Someone asked how I feel being disabled:

It’s strange - my idea of what my life would be at this age - partner in a law firm, married, house, 2.5 kids, soccer practice, etc - was certainly defeated when I finally crapped out in my late 30’s.

Now I’ve tried to redefined myself according to my new restrictions. There are times I cry, there are times I throw a tantrum, there’s time I think I wasted all that money on education for what! Then I slap myself.

I remind myself of what I accomplished, where I’ve been, the good and bad times, the People I’ve met over the years, the lives I’ve touched. And I push forward.

No it’s not easy, no I’m not always sunshine & rainbows. But I try to snap out of it bc this is my new me, and I have to make the best of it.

Life is about riding the roller coaster & having a blast as it whips around and climbs and flies down. (That’s how I think about it.)

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LORDMOGY
00:48 Feb 25 2020

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This morning, drinking my coffee, I was looking through Facebook. Generally a rather mundane task, some funny memes, but nothing to excite.

This morning was not mundane. This morning was a wake up call!

A elementary school friend posted a picture of a friend from junior high & his family. I knew I was not going to like was contained in the text below the picture.

I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself. I started reading, and my heart sank to my stomach. He was my age, married 15 years with 2 beautiful children.

He had a massive heart attack the day before and they performed tests to see if he was brain dead. The results we in, the news was gloom. He’s wife was left with a horrible decision.

Someone my age, from my crew, with a heart of gold. I never reached out to him, too busy? Too self absorbed? Just life taking over? IDK!

The fact of the matter is life is precious. You never know when today will be the last day you’ll see, talk or be with someone. It is imperative you let them know you love, appreciate, and treasure them.

Stop and smell the roses, make that call, send that text, message, etc ... otherwise it may be too late.

I was actually signing along to Justin Bieber in Carpool Karaoke today!

*rolls eyes*

Pass judgment as appropriate...I’m a tough cookie

I want to thank everyone who has offered support, guidance and has just been there for me over what feels like an eternity.

The road to bouncing back is ahead of me - with proper care by me of my body.

I did pick something up - at my follow up w/my doctor, he thinks it’s bacterial- so new course of treatment.

Regardless, this means over the next 2 weeks, I will be resting, drinking water & tea, and expending as little energy as possible.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

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DarkestTemptation
02:45 Feb 19 2020

Your welcome happy for you that you are slowly getting better.

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Amaranthine
21:18 Feb 19 2020

I'm always wishing you the best... I hope you heal as quickly and as best as possible

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So, the journey starts. I’ve been sleeping a lot. Yesterday, I took a trip to the ER. I was running a fever & all clogged up with mucus.

Everything looked good, but they thought I might have the flu.

Needless to say, everyone in my house is now sick as a dog, so it’s totally possible.

I’m advised that the five day treatment I had, does cause exhaustion & slight fever, so I thought everything was okay, until junk started coming from my chest.

Now, i allotted 2 weeks for recovery - so no big deal. After 2 weeks I’ll throw my fit lol.

Just glad to be home, not waking up at 5:05 am & driving a little over an hour on eat for treatment.

Xoxoxo

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Dakotah
18:37 Feb 17 2020

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Earthgrinder
00:26 Feb 18 2020

This is the time of year when people really get sick from the flu. Happens every year like clockwork. So why not prepare for it for next year get a flu shot in early January. This is according to my friend how is an oncology nurse and is very sensitive to these cycles because of her patiants enough said. Sorry for butting in.

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Kraai
16:59 Feb 18 2020

Your not butting in, I get the flu shot every year, due to my immune system. The medication I got infused for this past week crashes the immune system, and what I should have done was wear a mask everyday, but I didn't. And now I am paying the price.

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It’s been hard, this medication makes me really nauseous & they keep trying to have me eat bland items to calm my stomach down but unfortunately it makes thing really worse so we add an anti nausea drug, which helps. But when I get home, I’m a mess! But I’m also a Warrior, and will make it through the next day.

This is this morning, in my bff’s Christmas present, playing with filters.

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LORDMOGY
02:24 Feb 12 2020

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DarkestTemptation
04:27 Feb 12 2020

You hang in there hun might be a little better if you listen to the kind of music you want to as you get your next few treatments done just a thought.

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Kraai
02:32 Feb 13 2020

Oh today was migraine hell - combo of issues going on due to medication

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LORDMOGY
05:07 Feb 13 2020

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AzuriteXKnightingale
21:53 Feb 19 2020

try to go few days on a sandy beach and go walk on the beach and then sit and meditate. the sound of waves and the cold soft sand underneath your buttocks and some bonfire to keep you warm is good. But make sure you have anti-mosquitos with you and anti-wasps. You never know where they have been before

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Omg today was long & hard.

I feel beat up by fight club. And I get to back and get some for 4 more days.

I’m heading to bed now. I’m trying to stop the nausea.

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XWillowRoseX
02:11 Feb 11 2020

Hug hugs and more gentle hugs

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Kraai
01:33 Feb 12 2020

Thanks!

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Here’s the deal - I’m really battling some major depression.

I find it hard to do much of anything.

I’m stuck in thoughts of negativity & what ifs.

I’m normally on the manic side of life, but btw the MS & a lot of crazy stuff, my mind’s chemistry has been altered. I’m on some meds, they help but don’t eradicate the thoughts.

I’m going to try to force myself on VR every day, I’ve always loved it & it brings me joy.

I’m going to force myself to play Yahtzee (I’ve stopped doing that too)

I’ve stopped all other games.

I don’t even shop! Yes the world has stopped.

Seriously a lot of great people have been lost to depression and I’m fighting it. Reminding myself of all that love me, all of my achievements, turn arounds in life I’ve made, dreams that I must make, people I need to meet, places I want to see, memories still make.

Two more to treatment & fingers crossed all goes well & I am able to climb out of this dark hole.

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SedeDeSangue
03:57 Feb 09 2020

*hugs*

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XWillowRoseX
04:18 Feb 09 2020

hugs hun

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Atieno
05:33 Feb 09 2020

My love is with you always

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Vampireking777
07:45 Feb 09 2020

Ya I know you are my covent master and will say this. So force on what makes you happy in life be greatful for what you have the home you live in the food you eat. and let the past be hide you of what you could of changed but cant and follow the dream. but most of all love yourself 💜🙏

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LORDMOGY
16:26 Feb 09 2020

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Kraai
22:54 Feb 09 2020

Thank y'all so much .... today is a brighter day and I am enjoying life with some help of Alabama and 1970's disco music .. yes I listen to strange stuff sometimes!

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AzuriteXKnightingale
22:03 Feb 19 2020

we all have that supermassive black hole or down the waterbourne abyss, bottomless pit, down the rabbit hole etc.... all of these words fits. The moment we suffer with depression is the moment we have to fight day in day out for the rest of our lives. But that is what makes us stronger and not weaker. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable or you will break apart. You need to allow yourself to weep like a goddamn baby and scream and yell and curse and cuss.......you will feel tired later. You will ask yourself what did you do that for?

To release what you have been keeping all along inside you. Doesn't matter if they call you whimp or cry baby. Doesn't matter if they say you lost your cuckoo's nest (sanity) or that you lost your temper because they do not know what you are going through. You do not need to justify your actions as long as you do not hurt others or you will be sued. As long as you let out your feelings be it crying or screaming, cussing and cursing (not at work) and if you do make sure you do it in your own office or your boss and tell your boss so sorry for venting it out ) but nobody needs to know how you feel unless you really want to.

that what i have to say.

sorry for butting in

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Five months of a MS flair!

This summer 3 months of being a recluse bc I tore ligaments

No wonder I’m feeling lonely & like a real recluse

We’ve lived in our new home fore 2 years & almost 1 year has been taken up by illness.

What kinda life is this?

I start treatment on 2/10 for the week

2 weeks recovery

Then just wait and see I’ll be ready to rock & roll!!’

Craziness defined!

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LORDMOGY
15:56 Feb 06 2020

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Kraai
03:21 Feb 09 2020

That’s one of my favorite movies.

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